Well it's now January 11. While the rest of the blogosphere was jammering on about New Years' Resolutions, I was still posting Christmas photos. So, now that we're soundly in 2012 and many of us are probably already breaking those New Years' Resolutions, I thought I'd reflect just a bit on 2012.
While I've never really been one to make tons of resolutions, per se, I am an extremely goal driven person (have you picked up on that yet?) And while I don't think that January 1 is the only time of year one should be setting goals, it's as good as any for reflecting on life a bit, seeing what might need to change (or not) and taking intentional steps towards that end. So, I do often find myself thinking and writing about goals for the year when January rolls around.
Like everyone else out there, I'd love to eat healthier, save money and be more organized. I have ambitions of starting to run again (more on that another time) and I desperately need to clean out every closet and cupboard in this house. But those are all kind of exterior goals. They're things I'll work on, tangible items that can be checked off a to-do list, but not things that will change my heart.
What I really want to do in 2012? Worry less. I worried so much in 2011. I'm not saying it wasn't justified - I think a lot of it really was. I mean what can make you worry more than your dying baby, really? But even after Clara came home from the hospital and we've been slowly helping her get stronger and healthier day by day, I have been consumed by worry. Some of it may be typical new mom worry and some of it may be typical mom-of-a-sick-baby worry, and quite frankly some of it is probably in my genes. But I think there's been too much of it. Worry, like many things, can become a habit and I think that's where I am now. I've allowed worry to really dominate my days and take over in ways it should not be allowed to.
I'm committed to worrying less in 2012. There will still be health concerns for Clara for some time, but I can see that she really is going to be okay. And you know what? Me worrying about how many ounces she consumes doesn't really change much about how many ounces she consumes. I know this in my head. I need to start putting it into practice.
The main reason I want to worry less in 2012 is not for my own emotional well-being (although that'll be a nice side effect) but because I feel very convicted than my worrying is sinful. When I worry it's as if I am saying to God, "You can't handle this." Or that I don't trust that He will take care of me, take care of Clara. I believe that my worry is pushing Him away from me and I don't want that.
When I shared with a friend recently that I wanted to worry less in 2012 she asked me how. I don't think there's an easy answer to that. Worry creeps up on you and it's easy to be in a full-fledged worry attack before you've even realized it. It's not like "cooking a healthy dinner" or "running 20 minutes." It's not something I can put on a to-do list each morning and cross off by lunchtime. I'm just starting each day asking God to free me from worry. And when I feel it start to creep up again, I'm trying to shake it off, breathe a deep breath, and trust in God's abundant blessings.
We'll see how it goes. 2011 was rich with worry. What I want to pursue in 2012, more than anything, is peace. And kicking worry to the curb is the first step in that direction.