She's Not Here Yet....

There have been nearly 1,500 hits on the blog today.  I'm totally overwhelmed!!  And I also know that you are all very anxious for an update.  We had hoped we might have a baby here by now, but alas, Clara seems cozy.  We got here about 5:30 this morning, started the Pitocin about 8:20, broke my water at about 11:00, and got an epidural around 1:45.  Contractions are continuing, but dilation is slow going, so we're monitoring closely and raising the Pitocin as we can.  The short story is, we are still at least several hours away from a baby.  Maybe Clara just wanted more of your prayers before she makes her grand entrance. 

Thanks so so much to the many of you who have posted and re-posted our blog address and for those of you who have emailed, sent Facebook messages and otherwise expressed your love and prayers today.  We have really felt them.  Keep those prayers coming for a few more hours.  Maybe by bedtime we'll have a baby here?

I'm feeling great (Who would ever ever want to do this without an epidural?  Drugs are delightful.) and trying to be patient (although according to Mom and Robert I'm not succeeding).  She'll be here soon enough....

Keep praying!

Thank You.

Ever since we got the initial news about Clara's diaphragmatic hernia, Chrissy and I have been showered in support, prayers, and love. It's been overwhelming at times, especially as we're counting down the days and hours to Clara's arrival and subsequent challenges she will face. I am continually amazed by how many people have stopped me to ask for updates, to offer prayers, and to encourage us with earnest and profound well-wishes. Family, friends, strangers, clients; we've been loved and cared for from all directions.

Which leaves me with an unexpected predicament: how to properly thank people. I feel like so many expressions lose some of their power the more often they are spoken. We say "Good Morning" to acknowledge someone's presence before noon, not because we are truly hoping that their day starts off well. We ask how someone is doing, and then get thrown off if the answer is anything more in-depth than "fine." For me, saying "Thank You" just seems too small, too common a phrase to express the appreciation we have for all of the heartfelt support that's been directed towards us. When someone is telling you that they're spending time every day praying for you, it's not fitting to use the same expression that you use for someone who just handed you a hamburger at the drive-thru.

I worry that my response to your encouragement will not be enough, and that you won't see how truly grateful I am and how much your support means to us. Something more is needed than just two words. Some expression that could tell each of you how your acts of love and caring lift me up, emotionally and spiritually. Something that could tell you that I'm going to walk away from you with a better attitude, a brighter outlook, and a firmer faith that Clara will survive what is coming her way, and that she will come home to us and thrive, so that she can start out on her own life's adventures.

I guess if I could hand you a wad of cash, that would come a little bit closer (don't hold your breath, Forsyth and Baptist Hospitals have dibs). A big bear hug and a kiss on the cheek would help out, but I'm not intimately close with many of you, and sometimes there's a fine line between appreciation and assault. I could make a grand, emotional show of my gratitude, but I'm just not that much of a cryer. And though my mother and mother-in-law have both made a Sisyphusian effort to the contrary, I'm probably never going to be that good at writing thank-you notes.

The reality is, I probably won't be able to find a proper way to show you how much your words (and actions) have meant to me. I think that's the nature of God's grace, whether experienced directly, or through the love of others. It can't be paid back; you just accept it and be thankful that it's been offered. I've come to realize in the last few months that one of the true miracles that we get to experience in this world is the fact that others can look outside of themselves to care about others. I've experienced this miracle through each and every one of you. And since I'm not likely to come up with the proper expression to show it, you'll just have to settle for this:

Thank you. It means more to us than you'll ever know.

-Robert

Baby Belly

I haven't taken a ton of photos during this pregnancy because despite what others say, I really don't think pregnancy is that attractive!  And I've been pretty sickly.  But I was afraid I might regret not having any full belly photos, so I had Robert snap a few on Sunday morning for posterity.  Jayne Hillman, this is for you. :-)

 

Yes, that is an outie belly button poking through.  She's done.

The rabbit doll is the one we brought back from Ireland, hoping we'd have a baby to give it to soon.

Yes, I cut my hair off.  12 inches to Locks of Love.... hopefully it will be easy to manage in the hospital.

Not sure why my eyes are so squinty.  It was the best we could do.

Hopefully the next photos of Clara she'll be on the outside!  We have felt a real surge of prayers and love in the last 48 hours.  Thanks so much for all your expressions of care and concern for us.  I'm feeling good.  I'm trying to rest today.  We're ready for tomorrow!  It's finally here....

Dear Clara

Dear Clara,

I’m sitting in your nursery now as I type this letter and imagining what it will be like soon to bring you home and put you here.  In just two days we are going to get to meet you and your dad and I are so excited.  We love you so much already and have been talking to you and praying for you for a long time now.  I hope that when you get here that you are a Hardy girl and that you are filled with courage and physical strength for fighting the battles ahead of you.  It’s not going to be an easy start to your life, but we want for you to know how much we believe in you and how desperately we want to help you survive and thrive.  We’re not the only ones. 

I can’t wait to tell you more someday about the hundreds or maybe thousands of people who loved you and prayed for you before you were even born.  Some of these people we don’t even know, Clara.  But they have been so moved by you and so touched by your story that they are already praying powerfully for you.  I’m not sure if there’s ever been a little baby as well prayed for as you are.  On the day of your birth, there are nearly a hundred friends who have signed up for a thirty minute slot during the day where they are committing to pray for you.  For 24 hours straight, there will be prayers sent up to your Creator on your behalf.  How amazing is that?  There are many others who have expressed their love and promised their prayers, too.  Since we starting writing about you on this blog there have been over 16,000 hits.  If each one of those represents just a small fraction of the prayers being said for you, just imagine how God must feel. 

We’re thankful for all these people praying for you, because we believe those prayers really matter.  We’re also humbled by the volume and intensity of support and outreach that you have initiated.  We’ve never felt so surrounded and supported by community as we have during the past few months.  We’re excited to have these prayers for you, but even more than that we’re excited to see how God’s earthly family has come together to offer praise, thanksgiving and supplication because of you.  So many people who don’t know each other are joining together in a singular effort because they all know that our Heavenly Father is the only one we can trust you with.  You have really touched people’s hearts in a powerful way and you’re not even here yet!  God is being glorified and people are renewing their hearts in part because of the story of a sweet baby girl.  That is such a beautiful gift that you have given to them and to us without even knowing it.  We’ve already learned a lot because of you and I know that you’re going to teach us even more in the years ahead.  But today I just wanted to thank you for the way that you have shown us this beautiful family of God.  I can’t wait for you to join it and know how loved you are. 

 Be strong, Clara.  You are loved by Your Heavenly Father and by many, many people on this earth.  And by us.  We are so excited to meet you.

                                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                                        Mama

Last Day

Friday was my last day at Shady Grove Elementary for this year.  I guess one advantage of this scheduled delivery is that I didn't just go into labor one day and not show up for school the next.  So, my second graders have been counting down (as have I!) for several weeks now and we finally made it to ZERO on Friday.  They have 55 more days of school without me, but will be in great hands with a wonderful maternity sub.  It was nice to have some closure with them and be sure to be able to say goodbye properly.  Still, many of them were sad for me to leave and they all wrote me precious letters declaring their eternal love and adoration as well as wishing us well with parenthood.  Here are some snipets from those letters:

"Mrs. Hardy, you are a good teacher.  You do fun stuff with us.  You read good books to us like The BFG.  That was a really good book, especially the end.  That was really cool.  Hope you have a good time at the hospital."

"I hope you will have a great time with your family.  I think you will be a great mom with Clara.  I will miss you a lot.  You were the best teacher I had ever had.  You will have a great, great life.  I'm really really really sorry Clara has to have surgery.  I hope you will have the best time."

"It was nice having you as a teacher...Now you have to have a baby and I hope baby is cute."

I'm sory that you have to leave.  I had fun in second grade with you.  You are a great teacher.  I can't wait to meet Clara.  I bet she will be very cute.  I hope you can bring her in so we can actually meet her.  Good luck having a baby!"

"You are the best teacher in the world.  I am going to miss you very very much.  Clara is going to have the best mommy ever!"

"Please don't leave.  I am going to miss you.  I will love you forever.  You are the bestest teacher in the world.  I'll try to be ok without you.  I hope you will remember me and love me.  I love you so so so so so so so so so so much."

"You are the best teacher.  Don't tell Ms. _______!  I hope you have a great year.  I hope you have a great time with Clara. Remember to be a good mom.  If you are a good mom then I will be a good mom when I grow up.  I know you will be a great mom and.... make your husband clean the diapers always.  I will always always always always remember you and Clara.  I know you two will be great.  P.S.  You rock.  I love you so so so so so so much!!!!!!!!"

Okay, enough self-promotion.  But there aren't many jobs in this world where you get affirmed like that.  It's been a good year in second grade (despite the difficulties of transitioning to a new grade level while pregnant) and I had an AMAZING group of children.  I really will miss them the rest of this year, but I have big adventures ahead.  I'm looking forward to a couple more days to finish up the to-do list and try to put my feet up some before the whirlwind begins on Wednesday. 

And P.S....  Here I am with one of my all-time favorite students (and also the daughter of my ObGyn) on Friday too.  She's the cutest.

Frequently Asked Questions

With the big day just around the corner, and our anticipation rising, we are so grateful for the many of you who are following our blog, sharing our story, and praying for us.  We know that many of you have lots of questions; some of which you may even be afraid to ask.  So, I've compiled a FAQ that might help you out.  Please feel free to share our blog, and our story with any other friends, church members, colleagues.  We're thankful for all the prayers we can get. 

Q. I’ve just stumbled on this blog recently I’m not really sure what’s going on.  What’s Clara have exactly?

A.  Clara was diagnosed at about 18 week gestation with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH).  If you want to read our story (without reading this entire blog) this post is a good summary.  You can also learn more about CDH by visiting this website.

Q. Are you having a C-Section?

A. Right now, we have a scheduled induction, so we hope it will be a vaginal delivery.  We do know that she’s big (and seems to have a particularly large head, thanks to her father), so it’s always a possibility we’ll have to do a C-section.  If that’s the case, I’m okay with it.  A vaginal delivery is supposed to be better for her and for me, but we’ll do whatever she needs when the time comes.  (Yes, I’m signing up for the epidural.  No pride here.)

Q.  Will you get to see Clara when she’s born?

A. Yes!  Probably just briefly for a moment before the NICU team begins working on her in Labor and Delivery.  Then, they’ll take her downstairs to the NICU to do more tests, get a line in, and whatever else might need to be done.  If she’s stable and doing well, we’ll be able to stop by the NICU again and see her before I’m moved to the recovery room.  We won’t be able to hold her, but we should at least be able to touch her little fingers and toes and tell her over and over and over again how much we love her and how glad we are to meet her. 

Q.  When will Clara be transferred to Baptist Hospital (Brenner Children’s Hospital)?

A.  Probably within the first couple of hours of her life.   If there are problems or issues, they’ll transfer her quickly.  If she’s relatively stable, they’ll give her a couple of hours to catch her breath (so to speak) and then transfer her to Baptist to be evaluated by the surgical team.  There’s a special little transport vehicle just for NICU babies.  It’s basically a NICU on wheels and she’ll be in excellent care!  It’s only a 7 minute drive between the two hospitals.

Q.  Wait!  You’ll be at Forsyth Hospital and Clara will be at Baptist Hospital?

A.  Yes.  But not for too long.  It sounds crazy, but it really is the best situation.  Forsyth is best equipped for labor, delivery and post-partum care.  Baptist is best equipped for dealing with very sick babies.  We want me to be with the best doctors for me and Clara to be with the best doctors for Clara.  If labor is relatively easy (Ha!  Is it ever?!) and I’m doing okay, my doctor will discharge me early, after about 24 hours.  If I have a C-section or other complications and need to stay longer, she will give me some passes to leave Forsyth and go over to Baptist for some stretches of time and then return.  I know it might sound crazy, but we’ve thought through it and talked about it and it really will work just fine.  Everyone is going to have the best medical care possible! 

Q.  When will Clara have surgery?

A. Ahhh… that’s the million dollar question.  We’d really love to know the answer, but we don’t!  It all depends on what happens once she’s here and tries to breathe air for the first time.  It could be as early as a couple of days after she’s born or it could be several weeks.  We’re praying for the former and a speedy recovery to follow, but the surgeons will know what’s best for her and we will trust them.  Stay tuned to the blog for updates about a surgery date as we find out ourselves.

Q. Are you going to nurse?

A.  I won’t be able to nurse at first because Clara will likely be intubated/ventilated and have a feeding tube.  I am hoping to pump and give her my breast milk that way.  Down the road, we may even be able to transition from bottle back to breast.  But that’s a long journey and babies with CDH often have feeding issues.  We’ll cross the bridge when we get to it, but we’d love to be able to nurse and will at least hope to give her pumped breast milk as much and as long as possible.  It’s another great thing for you to pray for.  

Q.  Can we visit?

A.  Maybe.  Nobody will be able to visit Clara while she’s at Forsyth Hospital (not even grandparents!).  Their NICU is still on Flu Alert and only the parents are allowed in.  Once she’s transferred to Baptist, we can have up to 2 visitors in the NICU (including one of us), so there is a possibility.  But we will also be happy to have visitors come spend time with us in the waiting room.  You should definitely call or check with someone in the family before showing up though. 

Q.  How long will Clara be in the hospital?

A.  That’s another unknown.  The shortest stays for CDH babies are usually in the 3-4 week range.  That’s certainly what we’re hoping and praying for!  Some babies are there as long as 7-8 months…. That’s not usually a great sign.  My thirtieth birthday is April 30… I’ve been saying the best birthday present in the world would be to have my baby home.  We’ll just have to see.

Q.  What will you need?

A.  Your prayers, your love, your patience.  Beyond that, we don’t really know exactly what we’ll need right now either.  Maybe some meals, but we’re not sure when.  Probably some people to drag us away from the NICU from time to time and help us re-focus on life and God and friends outside of the hospital.  We’re not sure what else we’ll need, so again – please be patient with us and let us figure out what this is going to look like before you all start showing up with the chicken pies.  We’ll take it a few steps at a time.

Q. Are you scared?

A.  Yes.  Find me a first time mother who’s not a little anxious about squeezing out a watermelon.  I’m a little nervous about labor and delivery, but encouraged by some early progress and very very very grateful to have the best doctor in the world.  I’m really not terrified or panicked.  I’ve always said I had birthing hips.  I can do this!  I’m scared for Clara, too.  It will be hard to watch her struggle, sad to see her hooked up to wires and machines, difficult to not be able to hold her or fix her.  So, of course I’m scared.  But I also have a great peace about this (most of the time!).  There are so many blessings surrounding us… we really can’t even believe how fortunate we are in so many significant and meaningful ways.  I’m excited about becoming a mother!  I’m eager and ready to meet my child!  I’m a big hormonal emotional fruit basket.  So scared is part of it, but there’s a lot of other great stuff going on, too. 

Q.  Is it hard for you to talk about this?  Should we not ask questions?

A.  Really?  Me?  Hard to talk?  About anything?  Nah….  Now, I might randomly break down on you and start crying.  But for the most part, I’m more than happy to tell you what I’m thinking and feeling and answer any questions you have.  Hopefully if nothing else, this blog has shown you I’m a pretty open book.  So don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around us.  We’re okay.  Really. 

Q. How can we find out what’s going on?

A.  We’re so thankful for so many people who are loving us and concerned about us!  We probably can’t answer every single phone call/email/text/Facebook message.  But know that each and every one means a lot to us.  The best way for you to find out what’s happening is to check the blog.  Both hospitals have WiFi and it is our intention to update, when we can.  We’ll post photos and let you know how Clara is doing whenever the chaos and craziness calms down enough for us to do so.  We’ve got a call list of folks we’re going to try to reach by phone after she’s born before we broadcast to the whole world wide web.  I’m still new at this whole public persona thing.  But the blog is your best bet for staying in touch.  All those other methods work too, but be patient with potentially slow/absent responses. 

Q.  What should we pray for, specifically?

A. Pray that Clara will be a fighter.  Pray that she will respond well to the medications, treatments and surgeries that she will face and that her condition will be able to be corrected with minimal side effects or lasting problems. Pray that her lung is big and strong and that she is able to use it well to support her life.  Pray that we will have a relatively short stay in the NICU and be able to bring her home to begin our lives together here as soon as possible. Pray that she will not experience pain or suffering and that she will be courageous. Pray that she will know how much she is loved.

Pray also for the medical staff at Forsyth and Baptist Hospitals who will care for Clara after her birth. There will be many neonatologists, pediatric surgeons and NICU nurses who touch her and care for her. We are thankful for the medical community that we will become a part of and pray that God will give these people wisdom, grace, skill and compassion as they care for Clara and for us.

We ask for prayers for our family as well. We know we have some challenging times ahead of us and we are asking that God will give us the strength and courage to face whatever we have to face. We pray that we will continually seek Him during this difficult time and give Him the glory for all the miracles we experience. We pray that the lives of many people will be touched by Clara’s story and that we will be good examples of Jesus’ love throughout this.

What other questions do you have?  We're happy to answer them.  Don't be afraid to ask!

Final Photo Shoot

Well, final in utero photo shoot.  The next photos that we have of sweet Clara she'll be on the outside.  Our last ultrasound today was fine.  She's still practicing breathing lots and lots and it makes our hearts so happy to watch her chest rise and fall.  We continue to pray that her practice in the womb is preparing her and making her strong to breathe air and process oxygen once she's here.  Robert commented today when looking at the ultrasound screen how much smaller her stomach looks in the chest cavity now, compared to the rest of her body, than it did at the beginning when we were first diagnosed.  I hope that means her lung(s) has had some space to grow and will surprise us with its strength.  The weight estimate (which can be +/-almost a pound) was EIGHT POUNDS, TWO OUNCES.  We've got us a big girl coming!  As is evidenced by these cheeks:

Where, oh where did these giant cheeks come from?

PEEK-A-BOO!

Sleepy eye rubs

Baby foot

 

That's our girl! Just six more days now.  Thank you all for your fervent and persistent prayers.  We love feeling your comfort and encouragement and experience great peace from knowing how many people are surrounding us and Clara in your prayers.  God is truly being bombarded.  Keep it up!