And... She's Walking!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

St. Patrick's Day is officially Clara's last first holiday.   I saw a cute Easter outfit at Target recently and thought about getting it for Clara's first Easter, before I realized.... this will be her second Easter!  Her first Easter was spent in the NICU.  How far we've come this year.

TWO years ago on St. Patrick's Day we were planning our anniversary trip to Ireland  (Clara came back with us from that trip).  ONE year ago on St. Patrick's Day we were preparing for her birth and not knowing what might be ahead.  So, thankful to have been able to celebrate this St. Patrick's Day with our very own little Irish blessing.

 

 

Standing all on her own, and sniffing a clover....

And then there's this face which she's  making all the time recently.  I love it.

Hope you all had a wonderful St. Patrick's Day!  This Irish prayer/blessing seems so appropriate for our sweet Clara:

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear a smile,
For every care a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

Popsicles + Bathtub

I didn't want to just tell you that Clara was sick and leave you with no photos at all.  I haven't done a great job of blogging lately.  Too busy chasing this little one around.  In addition to her first cold (and Daylight Savings Time, can you feel my pain, mamas?) Clara is also teething.  Her top left tooth has popped through, but the right one is still trying to push its way through those little gums.  So, she's congested, tired, off schedule and in pain.  Good times, folks.  Good times.  Last night we thought maybe a popsicle would help ease the pain of her gums, but popsicles are messy.  And therefore, best consumed in the bathtub, in my opinion.  I'll just let these photos tell the story for you....

First Cold for Clara

We've been shaking our heads in disbelief that we'd actually almost made it through Clara's first cold and flu season, that she was about to turn one, and had never had any kind of cold or sickness.  Key word: almost.  


Clara's nose starting running yesterday and today it was worse and starting to turn thick, so I took her to the pediatrician. It's mostly in her head now although some drainage was starting. Her ears are clear and there was no sound of wetness or crackling in her chest and no wheezing.  The doctor said it was mostly viral but that the thick mucus meant the possible beginnings of something bacterial. In an ordinary baby she said that she'd probably leave it alone but in the interest of being proactive she went ahead and put Clara on antibiotics (z pack).  Let's hope this knocks it out, that it doesn't turn into anything worse, and that she heals quickly.  


Clara had also lost five ounces since our last appointment twelve days ago. I was the most upset about this - since coming home from the hospital we've had periods of slow weight gain, but Clara has never lost weight.  The pediatrician said it was common when fighting an infection because it burns a lot of calories to make white blood cells. Hopefully she will gain it back quickly once she's through fighting this.

I'm so disappointed to have been just ten days away from her first birthday and have her catch something. I keep retracing my steps, trying to figure out when I exposed her to something and how she got it.  There is, of course, no way to know.  But as Dr Hoyle said, it was inevitable at some point and a cold of this nature could happen at any time, even after the end of "cold and flu season."  She also said she hadn't seen anything out there right now that was especially wicked in terms of respiratory stuff. Hopefully this will pass quickly and she'll be feeling better for her birthday.  'Cause in case you haven't heard, we've been planning a party. 

Thanks for your prayers.  Hopefully it's just a tiny bump in the road.  

You Are Invited!

I never really thought I'd be the type to throw a huge first birthday party.  I mean, the kid doesn't know the difference, so it's really more about the parents and their guests, right?  Right.  And you know what?  It's been a hell of a year and I am excited to celebrate.  So we're throwing a big birthday party.  We want to celebrate this exciting milestone for Clara, praise God for her health and happiness, and have an opportunity to thank and celebrate the many, many people who have prayed for Clara faithfully the past year (and before!)  God has been gracious to us.  Many of you have not even met Clara yet!  Now is the time....

Please consider yourself invited!  Come eat a piece of cake with us and let us celebrate the good works God has done.  Just email me and let me know if you'll be able to make it and I'll fill you in on the rest of the details.  

Save The Date

We hope you'll plan on joining us for Clara's first birthday party celebration.  We are looking forward to sharing her with the many who have not met her but have prayed for her, loved her, and carried her through this first miraculous year.  
Details to follow.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

3:00-4:30 PM

Winston-Salem, NC

Reflection

I’ve been sharing mostly photos lately and thought I’d take a moment to share a little of my heart and where I am.  Three weeks from today, Clara will turn one.  What a year it has been.  I’ve found myself deep in reflection the last couple of weeks (it’s what we teachers do – reflect) and despite the reality of the fact that Clara is doing fabulously, that spring is just around the corner, and that we will soon be celebrating her miraculous first year of life, I am finding that I’m just a wee bit melancholy. 

I think that some of it is typical for parents who have a child turning one.  It is an exciting and special milestone, but it also marks the end of baby-time and since so much of the first year is spent in a bit of haze and exhaustion it never really seems possible that they’re already turning one.  I couldn’t be more excited that we’ll be celebrating Clara’s first birthday with a baby who is living and thriving, growing and developing.  But there is still a part of me that is looking back over my shoulder and grasping for some of what I missed.

 I missed those first three months of tiny newborn snuggly-ness.  The brand new baby smell was exchanged for the scent of hospital grade cleaner and disinfectant.  Instead of worrying about how many hours of sleep I got in a day, I worried whether my baby would make it through surgery, would come off ECMO and ventilators, would wean from morphine, would learn how to eat, would live….  I’ll never get those first three months back again and I’m kind of missing them now.  The months that followed, when Clara came home, were anything but normal.  I have never in my life thrown my heart, my soul, my spirit and my physical body so wholly into something.  All I did, all I thought about, all I became was about helping Clara eat, sleep and grow.  I was consumed by worry for her, much of the time, and felt alone and isolated both due to germ prevention and to feeling like there were few people who understood the intensity of the life I was living.  I wouldn’t change a thing about it.  Clara is healthy and happy now because of every second of that angst and every ounce (pun intended) of that determination.  But I can’t help but look over my shoulder just a little bit, and want some of those days back too. 

It’s been an incredible year.  While we still have a few challenges ahead of us, Clara is, for the most part, well now.  It’s hard to really believe that, and I find myself just letting out deep exhales and saying to myself, “Is this really over?”  I talked with a good friend yesterday who is a cancer doctor and as I described how I have been feeling she said that a similar thing happens with cancer patients. Once the treatment and the chaos and the panic of survival mode has passed, when things are all okay again, that is when you finally have a chance to begin to grieve a little, to process what you’ve been through and to feel some of the emotions from the intensity of the journey.  And that’s where I’ve been.  Just when it seems like I should be the most joyful, the most content, the most thankful, I am filled with some sadness and grief for all that has happened. 

There are reminders all around me of where we were this time of year last year – little things like daffodils blooming – that take me back to our fear and uncertainty before Clara was born.  A year ago I didn’t know what was ahead, or how we would make it through.  No amount of preparation could have truly prepared me for what the last year looked like.  I never really thought that we would be having conversations with doctors about her not surviving.  I never really thought that she would go on ECMO.  I never really thought that she would have heart failure.  I also never would have thought that we would be surrounded and carried by such an incredible community of friends, family and strangers, united in God’s love.  I never would have thought that my tiny sick infant would be changing people’s hearts across the world.  I never would have thought that we would learn all the lessons that the past year has taught us. 

Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not complaining about the past or feeling sorry for myself.  I know that we could be celebrating Clara’s first birthday by her graveside and I could not be more thankful for God’s mercies in our lives.  I’m just longing a little for what wasn’t and trying to find a balance of looking ahead with joy and excitement to what I know will only get better while still remembering what we’ve been through, the lessons God has taught me, and the ways that this has forever changed my heart. It is a unique balance, this honoring the past, living in the present, looking to the future.  Not wishing away a second, not waiting for an unknown ahead, not forgetting the steps that have brought us to right here, right now. 

So, that’s where I am.  How about you?  Have you been through crisis and come out on the other side a changed person?  Have you longed for something that you know couldn’t have been and then felt guilty for not just being thankful for all that is? 

From Isaiah 43:

“But now, this is what the Lord says, he who created you, he who formed you: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God…..Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”