January 5, 2011


The past couple of years, instead of “making resolutions” per se, I have taken some time at the beginning of the year to reflect on what’s ahead and to “goal set” in specific areas of my life (Spiritual, Family, Health, Work, etc.).  For some reason, just calling them goals instead of resolutions seems to make them more likely to be achieved and not entirely dismissed by Valentine’s Day.  I write them down and I refer to them throughout the year to track progress.  I like it and it works for my very goal-driven personality.

This year feels different though.  I am so excited about 2011.  It’s sure to be a year that we will never, ever forget.  But I can already feel the shift of focus that everyone says happens with parenthood.  I feel less compelled to set goals for myself, and find myself instead just thinking, “I want Clara to be okay.”  There’s not much I can actively do to ensure that goal is met, other than continue praying for her and constantly giving her over to God.  But that’s all I want for 2011.*  I want Clara to be okay. 

For all of my adult life one of the greatest fears that I have grappled with has been: “what if I cannot have children?”  I’ve wanted to be a mother all my life.  I feel like it’s one of the few things in this world that I can say with certainty that I will do passionately and that I will be good at.  I feel like I’m hard wired to be a mother.  It is my heart’s greatest desire.  When we got pregnant quickly, I felt enormous relief.  My worry that wanting something too badly would mean I couldn’t have it wasn’t coming true.  My desires were going to be fulfilled.  Now, I’m facing that fear again, but with a twist.  “What if I become a mother, but lose my child?”  “How will I endure the pain of having something so good and perfect taken away from me?” 

I guess what I am trying to learn is that God has continually provided for me (for us) with much, much more than we deserve.  I believe fervently that God gives us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4) and that all I need do is delight in Him.  So, I guess that’s my goal for 2011.  Delight in the Lord that He might provide for Clara.  And thus, provide for me. 

* I’m far too practical to not have given SOME thought to those “typical” New Year’s goals.  It’s a great relief, for one, to be pregnant and probably for the first time EVER to NOT have the goal of “lose weight.”  But I will say that Robert and I have talked some this week about other types of goals for our family – many relating to significantly trimming our budget (and subsequently our lifestyle) in order to save and pay for the medical bills we will soon face.  But even this is not for us, it’s for Clara.  And that’s a [refreshing] shift in thinking. 

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