It's an impossible question to answer if I'm trying to be simultaneously brief and honest. And, candidly, it's difficult to know how how accurate my answer will be; my self-awareness gauge has taken quite a hit and it seems very likely that my calibration is off. But I feel compelled to try.
I think we are doing something resembling okay these days. It's been more than four months now since our world as we knew it was rocked to its foundations. Every day has been full of ups and downs. The Shadow still pops up from time to time, but with decreasing frequency. We still feel Chrissy's absence every day, and I'm sure we'll continue to do so forever, though the textures and tones of that feeling continue to change and evolve. The pace of life has picked up significantly, as it tends to do, and I hope my lack of posting here for the last several weeks has not caused undue worry for those checking for updates. Time, as always, is a precious commodity, and the nature of going from two parents to one means that I'm having to run a constant triage of life's necessary tasks, including self-care.
In that regard, you may take my recent lack of blog posts to be a very good sign. This outlet was, in the weeks following Chrissy's death, very much an emotional and spiritual pressure-relief valve, one that provided a very necessary place for me to put the feelings that were too intense for me to keep inside. The posts have slowed because I'm doing well enough that I'm no longer an emotional boiler threatening to take out a city block.
A month or two ago I noticed a shift in my emotional state. For quite a while, I would have told you that I didn't want to feel better yet. And I don't think that was at all unhealthy, for the record. But I also would have told you that I knew I couldn't stay in that state indefinitely. Staying there too long would be unhealthy. And not only unhealthy, but it would do a disservice to myself, to my family, and to the memory of the woman who was a force of forward motion and was my constant partner and inspiration for the past 20 years. I'm not sure exactly when it happened or what triggered it, but at a certain point I noticed that "I don't want to feel better yet" became "I don't feel better yet, but I think I would like to feel just a little bit better now, please and thank you."
A few weeks ago, a package arrived for me in the mail. I'd made a very small purchase from the website of one of my favorite contemporary artists, William Schaff (Side note, I have very recently been corresponding with William to commission a piece of artwork, and his kindness and thoughtfulness are every bit as noteworthy as his artistic talent). Included in this package was a vinyl sticker of one of his works. This image struck me immediately, and has echoed in my brain in the weeks since as a mantra of sorts:
I can now say truthfully--and I believe objectively--that not only am I now ready to feel better but in fact I do feel significantly better and more hopeful about the life that's yet to come. To be sure, the life ahead of our family has become something very different and more complex than what I had imagined just a few months ago, with an element of sorrow undeniably present. But where I recently could only see a beacon far in the distance across a gloomy fog, now I can begin to make out the faint trails of some of the possible paths that could lead to that beacon. Where before I only knew that we would arrive there eventually, I now have begun to figure out how we will get there.
I think I'll leave it there for today. I had a completely different post planned when I sat down to write this, but I will get to that soon enough. Look forward to a post detailing a very long list of the joys we have been experiencing in the midst of our grief: joys of travel, laughter, wonder, gratitude, awe, fellowship, and comfort. And know that we continue to appreciate and covet all of the encouragement, prayer, practical help, and love that continues to be poured out on us. This hopeful post would not exist without y'all.
Today marks two months since we lost Chrissy. An eternity. An instant.
There's an old narrative trope familiar to anybody who's seen more than one or two horror movies. At some point there will be a character (or characters) just going about their business, happily doing their thing. Maybe they're humming or whistling a cheerful tune. A teen couple laughing as they sneak off to make out. A little girl picking flowers. Whatever it is, the light-hearted scene will draw on just long enough to give the average viewer a sense of peace. And then, inevitably, there will be a subtle shift in lighting. A dissonant note in the scoring. A shadow moving slightly near the edge of the frame. Something to make you, the viewer, say to yourself: "uh oh."
And that's been my experience of grief so far.
It's the night after Chrissy died. I'm in the kitchen. It's been a surprisingly productive day. I've done all the hardest ADHD tasks. I've been to the mall, which I have steadfastly and happily avoided for a decade, because that's where I can quickly get my suit hemmed and taken in. They gave me a claim ticket and a time to pick up the suit, and I've returned at that time with the not-lost claim ticket. I've filled out multiple overdue forms for summer camp. I've helped plan her service. I've hacked into dozens of our shared online accounts to make sure our bills are getting paid. I've sorted through several returns I need to make. I'm proud of myself for what I've been able to accomplish. And there I am in the kitchen, keeping the productivity momentum going. I'm putting up tupperware. (At the edge of the frame there's a little shadow that moves just enough that you're not sure if you actually saw anything.) I have the thought that I'll probably get rid of a lot of our mismatched, seldom used tupperware. (In the background music, a subtle discordant note plays.) I have a thought that I'm going to have to be in charge of cooking the meals now. (The shadow moves again, slowly but less subtly, towards me. No worries, our hero is being so productive, whatever this thing is he can take it down easily.) I get an idea. It's the perfect solution to the meal prep problem. (Our hero sees a door through which he can escape the shadow. It's labeled "family cooking classes." It's a big strong door, and he's got some distance from the shadow. He can easily get to the door in time, get through, and lock it behind him with the shadow on the other side, and he'll be safe and secure.) What a great idea! It'll help practically and I'll be able to involve the kids and teach them useful life skills! I reach for my phone to google local classes. (He reaches out and grabs the knob. He turns it.) I'm so proud of myself. And I know who would absolutely love this idea if she were here... ([click.] The latch disengages, and a writhing horde of shadow monsters bursts through the door from the other side, enveloping him and dragging him to the floor in the fetal positon) THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU SHOULD BE DOING WITH CHRISSY FOR FUN AS A MOTHERS DAY PRESENT!! NOT OUT OF DESPERATION BECAUSE SHE'S GONE!! ALL THOSE HALF-ASSED BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS PRESENTS YOU GAVE HER WHEN THIS IS THE STUFF YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN DOING TOGETHER ALL ALONG!!
This scene has played out again and again. Different settings, different jump scares, same Shadow, same grief.
The Shadow shows up in different forms. It loves to sneak up on me while I'm mowing the lawn (though I did successfully mow the entire yard today without weeping a single time. Small victories). The Shadow can very often be found in the kitchen, like when I was cleaning out the fridge a few weeks ago and came across some fresh mozzarella that had gone bad. I stood there and sobbed because Chrissy had bought it with the plan of making caprese salad, one of our summertime favorites. Suddenly the moldy cheese became a totem of so many plans we had, now headed for the garbage can.
Last week The Shadow showed up in an automatically generated playlist I was streaming while driving. I'd chosen a southern rock playlist, which is great driving music on a hot summer afternoon driving through rural farmland. Until that playlist gets to Jason Isbell's "If We Were Vampires." That led to an uncontrollable sobbing fit that, according to my fitness tracker, was intense enough to get me into the cardio zone for four minutes:
I know in my head that, over time, sunlight will find its way back into most of our lives, and there will be fewer and fewer hiding places for The Shadow to wait in ambush. But it'll never be completely gone, and we will have to find a way to live with that.
I have tried and failed several times to type an uplifting ending for this post. It's not coming to me. I'm sorry to be a bummer. This is hard. It hurts so badly. That's not to say we are surrendering to this Shadow. We do have hope and we are finding moments of joy, and I know it will get better, eventually. But right now, The Shadow is very much a part of our lives. And that will be the way it is, until it isn't. We'll get there. Eventually.
The past couple of weeks have been very quiet around the Hardy house, because the girls have been away at summer camp. As hard as it was for me to be away from them for two weeks, I knew they would benefit from the experience, and they were champing at the bit to go. While they were gone, I've slogged through a lot of the type of stuff one has to do when in my position. Lots of paperwork, filling out forms, cancelling credit cards, gathering documents, all the kind of stuff my brain enjoys least. But thanks largely to caffeine and the incredible support of family and friends, I have managed not only to get out of bed and brush my teeth every day, but to be something approaching productive.
But after two weeks of executive functioning, I was more than ready to see these smiling faces again when we picked them up at camp:
We got them home Friday afternoon and began the process of de-stink-ifying them and all their camp-ly possessions. Other than unpacking, I planned a weekend of rest and resettling. That night we watched a movie:
Saturday morning we had family snuggles in bed with the puppy and watched cartoons:
Then we had wacky waffles:
Fun was had, junk food was consumed. The Nerds waffles were surprisingly not disgusting! Saturday was full of playing, back-to-school shopping, and more unpacking from camp. We even got our gymnastics bar set up:
Sunday morning we enjoyed going back to church as a family, and then we spent the afternoon/evening having some great quality time at the pool:
I can't express how good it has been to have the girls back after two weeks of plodding through the quiet. These kids are loud and messy and strong and loving and hilarious and wise and so very, very good. Having them back with me has been pure joy, even as we are still feeling the oppressive burden of grief. When we get to the other side of this (and we will), these two will have been the ones who pulled me through it.
It's a Fall day in rural Georgia. It's the late forties/early fifties. There's a small thump as an acorn plops to the ground in a shallow, damp depression in an otherwise flat field. It's nearly round and small, about a half-inch across. This acorn surely doesn't know this, but it already has a name: Quercus nigra, the water oak. And that's just what it is. A water oak acorn. And it sits on the ground, just being a water oak acorn.
At some point, water is added to the acorn. Spring heat, too. Something happens. A tiny taproot slowly emerges from the acorn's shell and stretches downward. The root pushes its way into the soil, and soon a tiny, tender stem and leaflets emerge and begin a slow, unfurling stretch towards the sun. All of the parts of the acorn are still there, and for sure it's still itself: Quercus nigra. But even so, it is becoming something different.
Now we call it a seedling. And it has much added to it: water, nutrients, carbon, solar radiation. And it becomes something different still. It becomes more of itself. It adds branches. It adds height. It is still fully itself. And also it is becoming something different.
It's now the mid-nineties. A house is built in the back of the pasture, overlooking what is now a mature water oak, towering over the pasture, its round, wide crown demanding to be the focal point of anyone looking out from the house, or anyone looking towards the house from the road. It's probably 75 feet tall, and in the summertime it often hosts dozens of cows under its canopy, providing them relief from the sweltering Georgia sun. There's a boy who moves into the house. He's on the cusp of puberty, and spends a lot of time wandering outside. The boy sometimes pokes around at the tree's bark with a poorly-maintained pocketknife. This tree still very much contains everything that was once that small acorn. It's still very much itself, and yet it has become something profoundly different.
It's a Fall day in 2003. The goofy, distractible, wandering kid steers his pickup truck off the road and into the gravel driveway. He's still himself, but he has become something different. He's still goofy and distractible, but he has grown and matured. He still carries a pocketknife, but it's better maintained now, and mercifully he no longer carves in living trees. And on this day, there is something very different indeed about him. For the first time on this day, this goofy young man has a particular young woman with him. As they drive along the driveway at the edge of the pasture, she takes in the beauty of the water oak's late summer foliage. And who could blame her? The young man drives slowly as the gravel crunches under them. He keeps stealing glances at the young woman, gauging her reaction to seeing the landscape of his coming-of-age. She is pleased by it. He smiles. They are each themselves. But they are together, and even though they don't know it yet, they are in the process of becoming something different.
It's a few years later. Spring. A different car pulls into the driveway, but it carries the very same young man and woman. They are still themselves. But different. It's the same ingredients as before, except they've each had the addition of a band of precious metal. Some alchemy has occurred. They're each themselves, but they're also them too. It's something beautifully different. The young woman takes hundreds of photos. She takes one of the water oak. It's this picture:
It's a few years later. Another different car. Same them. But no, not the same. They have a new person in the car. This person is made up of ingredients from each of the two young adults, but it is something different. And the them that they are is now something so much more, and so very different.
It's later that same year. The water oak, still itself, becomes something different. Its xylem and phloem quit xyling and phlowing. The moisture starts to drain and evaporate, and the branches begin to dry out. Its foliage that year is not pretty. It's different, and it's not fun.
It's the week of Thanksgiving, 2012. The water oak's once majestic, shade-giving branches are now heavy, brittle, and dangerous. The oak needs to be cut down. The pocketknife kid, of course, ends up being the one who has to go all "Old Yeller" on the focal point of his childhood:
The tree, that was and still is the same acorn from before, is now something different. It's a log. And so it remains for a brief while, but before long the young man's parents hire a friend with a sawmill to come. Sharpened steel teeth and powerful machinery produce long, rough-cut boards. The wood is transported to the young man's home in another state. It is stickered and stacked in the basement, where it can dry, and stabilize, and spend some time just being exactly what it is: a stack of long, organized fibers of a water oak, Quercus nigra, that sprung forth from a small round acorn. And there it stays, for more than ten years, just being what it is.
It is 2023. June 21st. The summer solstice; the longest day of the year. The water oak is in the basement, existing. The young man enters the basement workshop, suddenly looking markedly older. He looks through the stack of Quercus nigra and picks a couple of choice boards out, then uses a handsaw to cut a couple of clear sections out. He sets these pieces carefully on his workbench, and then leaves. A few days later, he returns. He packs those sections up along with a grab bag of woodworking tools, carries them up the basement steps, and places them in the back of his car. They're on their way to becoming something different.
These select sections of that oak travel back to Georgia, back to the gravel driveway, to a workshop about 75 yards from where the acorn fell all those decades ago. There, over the course of a week, they are once more transformed.
The young man once again puts blade to the oak. No pocketknife this time; now it's with well-honed tools and something that, if you kinda squint, resembles skill. It is slow going. The oak fibers are severed, across the grain and with it, over and over, pass after pass, hour after hour. Eventually, what remains is flat and smooth. Four flat boards are produced. Two long, and two short. This collection of the fiber of this Quercus nigra is packed back up along with the tools, placed back in the car, and once more taken away from the pasture where it began to be what it is.
A few days later and it's back to the basement workshop in North Carolina. More sections of rough-sawn planks are selected and transformed.
The flat pieces of oak, that were all once part of one piece, have dovetails cut into them so that they can once again be one piece, but in a different way than they were before.
A thick piece of oak has grooves cut from its flat face.
It's late Friday night. The man works late. Into Saturday. He makes a half-second mistake that he realizes will take him hours to fix. He swears. He considers going to bed. No. He has a deadline. He works through the night and into the morning. By late morning this oak has become a box. It has dovetailed sides and a beveled top. But then it becomes something more. The man and his immediate family add some private, personal touches. Finally, a small bag containing something simultaneously very ordinary and very special is placed inside, and the joints are glued and clamped for the night. The inside of the box has become something beautifully and meaningfully different.
It's Sunday, around noon. The oak box is released from its clamps. The glue squeeze-out is carefully removed with a sharp chisel. The surface of the oak is given a thorough rub down with a natural, fragrant wax mixture.
The man loads it up in his car once more. When they reach their destination, he pulls the oak box out and carries it to a patch of green grass in the sunshine. The family that sits in front of it is the same family it has always been. But it has become something different. The loving, life-filled, curly-haired mother is not physically present. But she is. Her fibers are woven throughout the family, inextricably a part of everything they were before. Everything they are now. Everything they will be. She is a part of all of it.
I have a favorite coffee mug. This mug came into my life one summer when I was working at camp. This is the same camp where, a year or two later, I would meet and fall in love with Chrissy. My camp staff friends and I would always pop by the thrift store on our days off, and one glorious day, I spotted this mug and knew I had to have it:
It's a great mug. Perfect size, good weight, and the kitschy 1970s blocky "DAMN I'M GOOD" can work either as an uplifting morning affirmation or as charming mock bravado. It's my mug and it sparks joy every time I use it.
Chrissy hated it. Or, rather, she pretended to hate it. Or, actually rather, she probably hated it a little bit but also found my relationship with it endearing. For probably over a decade, our Saturday mornings around our house would find me pouring coffee into my mug, catching Chrissy's eye, nodding towards the mug, and then giving her the eyebrows and a wink. She would give an exaggerated eye roll and maybe make some sarcastic comment, but always have a little smirk playing at the corner of her mouth. And so it continued for years, this little flirtatious domestic dance. Until Chrissy up and changed the game.
Let me just say this: we are fortunate as a planet that Chrissy Hardy chose to use her powers of planning and execution for Good. Because when she chose to use them for evil, she was just as unstoppable.
One Christmas morning, probably seven or eight years ago, Chrissy got me good. We'd finished all of the family Christmas rituals; we'd opened presents, eaten breakfast, and dumped out stockings. I'm sure I was on my third or fourth cup of coffee of the day, most certainly out of my Damn I'm Good mug. Everyone was starting to retreat to admire their new gifts, when Chrissy announced, rather dramatically and with excellent projection, "Oh, wait! It looks like we missed a present!"
As heads around the living room and kitchen turned towards her, Chrissy reached behind the couch and pulled out a smallish, exquisitely wrapped box. She started to really lay it on thick: "My GOODNESS, how could we have MISSED this? WHO on earth could it possibly be FOR? Why...It looks like...Why yes! The tag says it's to ME! Well, who could it be FROM? Oh, I think it says...Why yes! It's a gift to me from my loving husband ROBERT!!"
I had never seen this box in my life. I certainly hadn't wrapped it. Something was afoot, and I immediately didn't like it.
She went through a big, obnoxious show of unwrapping it. "No, I want to keep the paper for later, your Daddy took such care with the giftwrap!" This went on for a while. Finally, at long last, she pulled out the box. She snipped the scotch tape, opened the top flap, and produced... this:
The sheer psychological torture she inflicted on me! Not only one-upping my prized possession, but the libelous claim that I myself would have given her this sacrilegious vessel! I spent the rest of Christmas being a little bitter and a lot in awe over how thoroughly she'd mug-shamed me. And she spent the rest of the day with a little evil grin and a twinkle in her eye. And I loved her a little more that night than I thought possible that morning.
Her mug was accurate. There was truly nobody better.
(this is the first of what I plan to be many periodic stories about Chrissy that I referenced in this previous post. I still covet any of your Chrissy stories that you think I may not have heard, photos you think I may not have seen, etc.)
Of the many, many things I am thankful for, the one on my mind right now is that cell phone cameras are finally able to get close to capturing a Flatwoods night sky:
I have a small woodworking project I'm working on. It's the kind of thing that you can buy for a reasonable price and it'll be perfectly functional and attractive, but I've been very up front with this audience about my stubbornness in doing some things myself. At any rate, this is a good project for me and it will have a lot of sentimental value if I make it instead of buying it. But that project is not what this post is about.
We're at my parents' house this week, so I had to bring my workshop with me. For my project, I brought two boxes full of all-analog woodworking tools: dovetail saws, crosscut saw, tenon saw, bench chisels, mortise chisels, hand planes, marking gauges, dividers, the works. I figured I would find somewhere to set up a temporary workshop. Turns out my dad was telling their across-the-pasture neighbor that I was going to try to do this in their carport, and the neighbor extended the offer to use his workshop. It was a generous and helpful offer so I accepted. It happens to be extra special because the neighbor's house used to be my maternal grandparents' house, and the workshop is the very workshop where I spent many a childhood hour marveling at Papaw's skills as a woodworker, and where I learned my first lessons in the craft.
Even better still, this workshop has an actual cabinetry workbench. Now when I say "workbench," I don't just mean a table in the garage you don't mind scratching and banging on. In woodworking, a workbench must be sturdy, flat, level, and most importantly, it must have some method of holding the work firmly in place. There are several different ways of securing your work: bench hooks, holdfasts, crochets, battens, etc. But the most common work-holding apparatus you'll find in workshops worldwide is the vise. This workbench has what's called a "tail vise," which moves in and out at the end of the bench by turning a large threaded rod.
Let me take a moment here and acknowledge that I'm aware most of the eyes reading this are glazing over. If you're not into this, re-read the title of this post and you'll find that I'm as good as my word. But this stuff really is fascinating for a certain type of mind, and if you're one of the people who isn't bored by halfway-competent prose about old timey trades, you absolutely should read this book. I'm well aware that the woodworking minutiae is me really letting myself lean into the early-forties dad vibe and I've accepted it. Moving on.
The workbench available to me was most likely purchased as a kit and assembled on site. It's mass produced, but sturdy and flat. It wasn't made to be pretty, and the wood it was made from was cheap and functional finger-jointed stock. They sell similar benches at Harbor Freight and Northern Tool and the like. It's nothing flashy, and there are thousands upon thousands of nearly identical workbenches in garages of weekend wood warriors across the country. But it is sturdy, it is flat, it is level, and it has a mechanism to hold the work securely.
I brought some oak stock that I'm using for this project, and it actually was harvested from the big water oak that used to stand about 75 yards to the north of this workshop. That's not really pertinent to the post, but it is pretty neat. So I got some of that oak out and went to clamp the first board in the vise, itching to get my hand planes singing away on it. I turned the handle, tightening up the vise screw, and "CRACK!"
The benchtop's tail apron (the piece to which the tail vise is anchored) suddenly and catastrophically failed.
Nobody would have ever noticed before it broke, but one of the tail vise's anchoring screws just happened to be positioned right in the middle of the lumber's glued finger joints. In retrospect, it makes sense why it broke, but jeez, what are the odds of the screw going right through there. It's frustrating, especially when you've got big plans for getting some good work done on this project. For every one of these benches where the glue joint lines up just so with a screw hole, there are probably 200 where it's not a problem. Oh well, luck of the draw I guess. Though if I were standing in front of the manufacturer I would definitely complain about the quality control.
So there I was with a table. But I need more than a table, I need a workbench. This table was sturdy, flat, and level. But there was nothing there to grab hold of the workpieces. Nothing to keep the work secure and steady. A vise without something to anchor to can only hold one side of the work. Without a way to hold everything firmly and steadily, this was just a table.
But this project is important, and it's not one I'm willing to outsource. So I assessed my resources, and formed a plan. I did not have the type of wood I would prefer for this fix, so I used a scrap piece of construction lumber. I didn't have the right size drill bits for the threaded rod or the alignment pins, but I had a wide variety of other tools and some resourcefulness. I didn't have enough time to be dealing with this particular problem, but I have a project that needs to get done and I couldn't start working on it until I cobbled together a fix to get to the next step.
I used the broken piece as my guide, reverse-engineering how it was attached and how it worked to anchor the vise. I measured out the dimensions onto my scrap lumber and got to sawing, drilling, chiseling, squinting, test fitting, etc. And eventually, something functional emerged:
It wasn't (and isn't) pretty. It was an awkward fit because it wasn't the exact same dimensions as the original tail apron. It wasn't even the same species of wood as the rest of the bench. But I reinforced it as well as I knew how. I put decking screws in it everywhere I could possibly fit one. It was time to put a little force on it and see how it held up. If I'm being completely honest, I'm surprised at how well it worked. I still had to do a lot of resetting and fiddling, but eventually I got it to where it seemed to be holding the workpiece pretty well. And I finally got into a rhythm and by golly I made one flat piece of oak by the end of the day. This project is going to get finished.
Granted, this was not a high-end fix, and if this bench is to get used heavily in the future, it's likely a more elegant repair will be needed. But it's functional for now, and for the near future I think it's gonna hold.
One of the things I've heard often in the past week is that the world didn't get enough Chrissy. Preachin' to the choir, buddy, trust me.
Well, it just so happens I have come up with a way to do just that. No, it doesn't involve a pet sematary or any other such necromancy. Here's what I mean: I've had numerous times in the past week that I've heard a story about Chrissy that was brand new to me. And each time, it felt like I was getting a little bit more of her. Getting to see her again from a slightly different angle. Getting to know her a little bit more fully. It's been such a gift. A fella could be forgiven for wanting to experience more of that.
So that's tonight's ask: if you've got a Chrissy story and you think I might not have heard it, please send it to me. That's it. I promise I won't publish any of them without getting your consent first. This is a public blog, so I'm not going to blast out my personal email address to the universe, but if you knew Chrissy, you probably know how to get in touch with me, or you know someone who does. I will probably be sharing a few of my own Chrissy stories; a lot of those are just for us, but I've already thought of a couple that I can share without feeling like I'm betraying any of her confidences. They're adorable; you're gonna love them. And, in a way, we're gonna get a precious little bit more Chrissy.
It is a humbling experience to be overwhelmed by offers of help. It is more humbling still to realize that you need overwhelming help. I like being self-sufficient, maybe to a fault (Chrissy would absolutely agree with this statement). I'm the guy you see in the parking lot at the home improvement store trying to lift multiple sheets of plywood and absolutely refusing to accept help from the store employee offering it. I always took it as a personal insult if we ended up hiring someone to fix something around the house that I thought I could take care of myself. Sometimes this character trait pays off, and we get a beautifully redone screen porch. But it also means that I have items on my household fix-it list that predate my youngest daughter.
All that to say, as hard as it is for me to ask for help or even to accept help freely offered, our family could not have made it to this point without the support of so many of you. The one phrase I have heard probably more than any other in the past month is "If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." Every single person who has expressed this to me has meant it from the bottom of their heart, and every single one of you has made me feel so loved, encouraged, and supported.
Over the past week, it has become clear that the best and most useful way to help, should you feel led to do so, is to navigate to the GoFundMe page that my sister, Liz, set up for us. Setting up a donation page was something I hadn't even considered before Liz asked my blessing to start one, but since donations started rolling in I have realized just how valuable this specific type of help is for our family as we pick up the pieces of our lives.
If you feel so led to help, it would mean the world to us. Each donation we've received isn't just money, it's time. Time to spend with my girls to help them through the worst thing that will ever happen to them. Time to sit in peace with them without being preoccupied with our sudden new financial situation. Time to sit with my thoughts and feelings and grief. Time to write, which has been and will continue to be therapeutic as I try to make sense out of a universe that no longer includes Chrissy.
Look, this is PEAK make-Robert-feel-uncomfortable stuff right here, because not only is it asking for help, but it's asking for the most generic, un-specialized type of help. My knee-jerk instinct is that, if I'm going to accept help, I should be asking each individual for something special that they are uniquely capable of providing. We have so many people in our lives who have incredible, unique talents and skills; surely each person has something amazing they want to do for us!
But folks, I am still learning from Chrissy. As I made the drive last night to my parents' home in Georgia, I thought back on all the times I've watched Chrissy command armies of volunteers. I can't tell you how many times I've witnessed her direct a room full of people with post-graduate degrees to do the most mundane, generic tasks possible. You've got a PHD? Go through these tubs of markers and throw out the ones that have dried out. You run a multi-million dollar business? Put two of each color pipe cleaner in each of these 40 ziplock bags. I've seen her do it a hundred times. And here's what Chrissy's been teaching me through these memories: when people who love you tell you they want to help, they ain't lying. Nobody ever got upset at Chrissy asking them to do mundane, impersonal things. They were happy to do it. They volunteered to do it. Get over yourself, Robert, and take the help people keep asking to give you.
Thank you all so much. I can't say it enough: I wish everyone, everywhere was blessed with the Village that we have. And even though letting so many people do so many things for me makes a part of me want to curl up into a tiny ball of infinitely dense mass, there's a bigger part of me that just marvels at the ever-repeating miracle of people caring for us. Thank you.
"What would Chrissy do?" has become a very useful focusing tool for me. For any number of unfamiliar situations I have found myself in this week, this tool has helped me center myself, halt the spiral, and take perspective.
It's been helpful when there have been hard choices to make. It's been helpful when I have needed to find a solution to complex logistical problems. And, in between the chaos and slogging through the lists of very-much-not-fun tasks that have to be completed, it's been helpful when there are quiet moments.
Today has been a day of crossing off lists, hurried packing, and travel. It has been a hell of a week. The adrenaline and cortisol have finally eased the throttle down to only about 75%. I am wounded. I am raw. I am weary.
WWCD?
Well, first of all, on a week like this one, she would still write. But it would be a short post.
She would express gratitude for all the acts of love and grace we experienced this week.
And she would wander out in the pasture, braving mudholes, chiggers and fire ants, to get a good photo of tonight's incredible sunset.
And then she would close her laptop and enjoy the quiet.
There's this very small, quirky cruise ship. It's a small scale business, nothing super flashy. It only has 4 crew members: two full-fledged officers, and two bright young cadets. One crew member serves as captain, navigator, events coordinator, and also takes care of about 75% of the galley duties. The first mate is in charge of maintenance, engineering, waste handling, and also runs the ship's comedy club. Both have very weirdly specific job descriptions, but they built these roles around a long-running partnership and somehow it works pretty well. This little venture is modest, but sustainable and even thriving. Again, nothing flashy, nothing grandiose, but the ship is sea-worthy and storm-tested, and it is chugging along, right on course and right on time. The captain is imminently capable, and her record aboard this ship is unblemished and admirable. The first mate is a resourceful and talented problem-solver, and his levity and adaptability have proven invaluable for this crew when navigating rough waters. The two are excellent foils for each other, each serving to complement the other while managing to balance out each other's particular excesses. The partnership is a triumph of luck. Their puzzle pieces fit just right. The little ship chugs along, day after day, month after month, year after year, right on course.
But one day, in the middle of a cloudless day, on calm seas, a rogue wave materializes out of nowhere. Before anyone has time to brace themselves, the wave strikes and the captain-navigator-activities-director-cook is swept from the deck and lost at sea.
Just as quick as that. She's Gone.
The rest of the crew pick themselves up off the dripping deck, stunned. The first-mate-engineer-janitor-clown scans the water all around in a frantic attempt to locate the captain. Maybe she's not lost. Maybe she was able to grab a life ring on her way over. Maybe if he looks hard enough he'll see the smoky trail of a flare gun.
But there's nothing. This captain, the one he has crewed alongside for all these years to get this beautiful little ship from harbor to harbor, voyage after voyage, is nowhere to be found. The sea has taken her.
The first mate assesses the situation. The cadets are both present and accounted for. This is good. He quickly grabs emergency blankets and scoops them up and gets them inside where they can rest against the bulkhead. Alarm klaxons are sounding. The vessel is listing somewhat. This is concerning. The hull could be compromised. The engines are definitely not at full power. He can tell the originally plotted course is no longer possible, not with this damage. This is not good.
It's at this moment the realization hits him so hard he almost loses his sea legs for a moment.
He's been promoted.
He steadies himself against the railing and takes several deep breaths. He somehow manages to avoid vomiting.
He takes another deep, deep breath, holds it. He stands, willing his legs to stop quivering. He stands for a moment, thinking. He nods, lets out his breath in a heavy but determined sigh, sets his jaw, and steps into the wheelhouse.
He goes down the captain's duty list. He's watched the captain steer for years, and even spent some time at the helm a few times (but mostly just when the captain was needed elsewhere onboard and the charted course was well-mapped and clear). It's been years since he worked regularly in a galley, but he's no slouch. He sees the captain's sextant resting on top of the maps. He makes a mental note to write a joke for the ship's comedy night about how funny the word "sextant" is, but has no clue how to use it.
Another deep breath. He takes stock of his resources. He has the two cadets. They are inexperienced and scared but ready for duty. They have also been watching the captain. The senior cadet has already run to the galley and started pulling recipes. This is a good sign. He steps back out on the deck and cranes his neck upwards to glimpse the radio antenna, and sees it's untouched. This is good; he can radio nearby ships for help. He checks the distress beacon and confirms it has been activated. Before he can even reach for it, the radio receiver crackles. It's another ship reaching out. They have already picked up the beacon. Then another crackle, another nearby vessel responding to his distress call. Then another. And another. He sees a sail on the horizon. Exhaust from a smokestack on the other. Before long, there is an entire armada approaching. The radio handset is almost unusable, choked with other vessels extending offers of assistance and escort to safe harbor.
The two cadets step up on either side of the new captain and each places a hand gently on his back. He nods to each of them, his shipmates. He reaches out and, cautiously at first, places his hand on the wheel. He feels the wooden handle, the shallow grooves worn ever so gently in the shape of the former captains fingers where she gripped and turned this wheel for years and years. His fingers don't line up just perfectly; the grip feels awkward and unpracticed. But the wheel turns fine. He'll get the hang of it. He carefully eases the throttle forward. The ship, with its still-shivering crew, shudders and clangs. But it starts to move. The ship motors forward, with a lot more smoke than he'd like, and leaving behind only the hint of a wake, but forward. The battered crew is short their most capable sailor. There are duties that require skills nobody on board has learned yet. But they are moving forward. The ship is surrounded now by other vessels, with tow ropes in hand if needed, and life rings at the ready.
By now the daylight has begun to darken, and the reluctant captain raises his eyes to the horizon. The tiniest imaginable little pin-prick of light appears. Then it disappears. It reappears. It disappears. Reappears again. A beacon. He takes a long, slow deep breath. He lets it out. He smiles a weary smile at his crew. It will be a long, exhausting night, but this battered, listing ship is moving towards the harbor.
"You were a presence full of light upon this earth
And I am a witness to your life and to it's worth."
--The Mountain Goats, "Matthew 25:21" The Life of the World to Come
This blog is technically our family's, but everybody knows it's really Chrissy's outlet. I've written a few guest posts when she was too tired or busy to get one out, but I never thought I'd be writing this post, for this reason.
Yesterday was another very crummy morning. Chrissy has always had hard-to-get veins, and an added IV in her right arm ended up having to be pulled, and her arm was swollen from shoulder to hand and very painful. But she was in good spirits for my evening visit, all things considered. I brought her an oreo milkshake, which she ate about half of (which is pretty good for how her appetite had been this week), and we sat together and enjoyed watching the first half of the Wake Forest baseball game. We laughed, talked, and cheered on the Deacs. When her eyes started to get heavy, I came over and kissed her buzzed head and we prayed together: for her arm to feel better, for good rest, and for her to continue to be spared from the nausea and mouth sores that this chemo cocktail often creates. We said our goodnights and I told her I'd see her tomorrow. It was one of the best visits I've had with her since she was admitted 3 weeks ago.
This morning, about 4am, I was awoken by a telephone call from an unknown number. In my sleepy stupor, I didn't get to my phone in time to answer. I remember being vaguely annoyed that maybe some spam call or wrong number was waking me up at this ungodly hour. But when the same number immediately called back, I snapped out of it and realized this was something important. The voice on the other end of the line informed me that Chrissy had paged her nurse to complain of a headache, and then become unresponsive when the nurse came to check her vitals. They could not rouse her, and she was immediately taken to the Cancer Center's ICU to be intubated and to do a CT scan. The urgency in the caller's voice--coupled with the early hour--made clear the seriousness of the situation. I threw on the closest clothes I could reach and tore down I-40 to the hospital.
Chrissy's platelets were being chewed up and spit out, first by her leukemia, and then by chemotherapy as well. Extremely low platelets make for high risk of bleeding; it's the reason why she'd been bruising so easily in the week or two before she was diagnosed. This morning that risk became a reality, and the CT scan revealed she had developed a very serious brain bleed. With her platelets at rock-bottom, it was not an option for neurosurgery to go in and drain that blood; they wouldn't be able to stop bleeding from an incision. The ICU staff tried everything they could to get around this problem by pushing multiple bags of platelets as quickly as they could, but her levels were just too low.
Some things just can't be fixed. This was one of them.
I was informed of the situation when I arrived at the ICU, and the unbelievably caring team escorted me to Chrissy's bedside. She was still unresponsive, but her excellent nurse, Travis, told me it was possible she could still hear me, so I talked her poor ear off over the gentle, rhythmic sound of the ventilator. Soon, Chrissy's mom arrived, followed by her dad shortly thereafter. We all spent time holding her hands, talking to her, crying, and praying over her. When the time came, we left the room briefly for them to extubate her, and then returned to hold her hands, kiss her head, and sit with her for a last few sacred minutes. Chrissy left this world peacefully, surrounded by overwhelming love. And our faith leads us to believe she entered into a Love even more profound.
This world had 42 years of Chrissy. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend 20 of those years head-over-heels in love with her. The avalanche of calls and texts and tributes we've received today is a testament to how much Chrissy packed into those years. And yet they were nowhere near enough. For all who knew and loved her, another 50 years would still be too soon.
What a woman. What a blessing to have witnessed her life.
I love you all of it, Chrissy. With everything I am, for as long as I live, until I see you again.
This round of chemo is knocking me down pretty hard. I've had fevers all weekend along with a handful of other chemo side effects including just feeling pretty worn down and tired. I'll have a few good hours and then I'll crash hard. It's unpredictable except that I am noticeably weaker overall. It's all to be expected; we knew this was an aggressive treatment. My platelets remain super low, so lots of bruising and bleeding and petechiae. Basically, I'm sick. But the nurses are great and are doing what they can to manage symptoms. Hopefully this round of fevers will die off soon. But don't be surprised if the blog posts slow down some over the next couple of weeks. Some nights I just may not have the energy for it. Don't panic.... we're staying the course and doing the things and continuing to march towards our goal of remission. Believe it or not, today is already 3/7 of the new regimen. There's one oral pill I take for 14 days, but the bulk of these drugs will be done being administered in just four more days. And in two more days I should get to move to a new room. Keeping the countdowns on.
My hair was also coming out in big chunks and getting everywhere, so Robert did the 'ole buzz cut for me tonight. On to the next stage of baldness.
I got to have a nice visit with my mom today during a period when I was feeling pretty good and another visit from Robert, the girls, and my dad tonight (when I was feeling less good).
I think Robert and the girls had a great Father's Day. He got some special cards from them, and a really cool t-shirt, and they took a 10 mile canoe trip down the Yadkin River.
And Happy Father's Day to my own dad who came to visit today, too. I'm grateful for his faithful love and concern for me these last few weeks. I know there's nothing worse than watching your child suffer and I am appreciative of all he's done to try to ease some of the pain.
To all the fathers out there, doing their best to love and show up for your kids in whatever ways you can. You're all Cool Dads. Happy Father's Day.
